youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
