The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize