Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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