I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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