Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
