Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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