the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
