My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
