My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
