If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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