What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.