I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE