even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
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I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
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Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.