I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
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Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....