My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
