Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
