what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Less talking, more tequila
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
