just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
