I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
