theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize