So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
