Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
