his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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