At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
