Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
