bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
