I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
