woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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