how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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