I looked at my own cervix.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
