you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
