you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
