Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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