We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
