we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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