He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
