I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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