I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
