I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
