when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you win again, gameday.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
