I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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