my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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