You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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