i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
