Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
