Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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