life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
