I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
