I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??