Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
