rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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