I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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