Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
