She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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