you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
