I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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