nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
