They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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