I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
