I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
